idk what I'm doing

I legitimately feel that I am dead in life. I continue to go on living but I'm not alive. I don't even want to try anymore. Running has kept me alive and yet it's not enough. I am dead inside. 

 I miss you M. It's been 3 years since you left. I'll never forget you. I dreamt about you last night. I also dreamt about you a few nights ago. Your memory will never fade away. I'll always cherish you, forever.

 

 

 It's been one year since you left. It's been one year since you flew away faster than light. Nothing is ever the same. 2022 represented many losses but you leaving us hurt the most. I think about you every day. My soul cries for you. I cry for you. I hurt for you. I still need you. I miss you. 

I know nobody reads this. I just keep this for my own sanity. Wish I would've shown you my thoughts when you were around. Damn I miss you.

Also I haven't heard from ___ in months. I know my text from last month was read. I should stop trying to reach out. I lost 4 connections in 2022. 2023 has to be better. It has to be better for my mental health. I wish this was 2009 and this was me writing my first post. 

I MISS THOSE DAYS!

 It's 4:21 am.I'm too high too sleep but not too high to be numb. Why am I even alive at this point. There's no point if those you cherish have left or are leaving.

Nothing is ever the same. Drugs and love are both good but not quite the same. It seems my depression keeps getting worse. These last 5 months haven't been kind, I'm still hurting. Might as well keep getting high. I don't wanna keep thinking about it anymore. At least drugs never leave.

Everything feels so lonely.
Everything hurts.

It's been 4 days since you left this world. I miss you.
It really hurts.

I wish you were still here. I am not ready to face the world without you. I wasn't ready for this. I'm not ready to go on without you. I'm hurting. I miss you.

I'm still breathing.

I'm still alive.

Sharing a quick update. I'm still breathing. Not much to share. Blogspot is so 2007. I'm so 2007. Thinking retro when that shit was just yesterday.

Life

A pinch of salt. A stone cracks. This is weird, and uncomfortable

12 hrs

The last 12 hrs of my life are a blur. I remember bits and pieces.

2015 already

I feel life in our family isn't fair. But who am I to complain? I have health. But what good is health when you can't share such joy with everyone related by blood. Did YOU ever wonder how the future would be? I certainly did when I was a kid. I didn't picture it this way.  All of our mistakes and failures in life don't make us bad people. Ego is cancer of the soul. It's ok to have pride but too much pride usually leads to unhealthy situations. I certainly wish we were more caring towards each other. I wish things would be different. I hate the feeling of being stuck in a neutral spot, perceiving and catching negative vibes just for not choosing sides. I just for want to keep in touch with all my family.

Fuck life.

.

I feel like something isn't right tonight. Was this the universe testing me? What was it this time? Why does it feel a bit weird to let go? What is it? That itch, that weird feeling on the chest. What is it?!

January. I've never felt this way

Wow I'm old. But then again that's life.

I miss people. I'm confused. I have a feeling of loneliness for once. I miss my friend, I miss the late night talks. But I sure shouldn't complain. This is what I wanted to begin with. Now that I'm here, I'm second guessing and doubting myself. AH I don't know what I'm doing with myself or my life. I don't even know why I'm writing this, knowing I'll be the only one who reads it.

Blogging is dead.

I didn't even know what day was today lol. Had to look up the date at 3am. Haven't been on this site really. It's a surprise it's still around. Not just my blog but the whole blogger idea in general. Blogging died. Nobody cares. I really don't either. I have nothing relevant to say.

Lines

What an ear-pleasing experience it is when it comes to listening to Radiohead - Nude (Holy Fuck remix).Wow just out of words to say how good this is.

"I woke up wondering if I ever knew you."

2:26pm.

Numb. This is quite the charm and feeling.

What's May for?

I'm going through some rough changes in life. I don't know what's happening. I realize that all these changes are part of my own actions. But I finally decided to not dwell on it and move forward. I lost some friends, and more than that. But I don't really have time to stop along the road. At least not anymore.

I don't see how life is going to get better but somehow it feels like lots of stress has been lifted off. I don't feel stressed out like I used to be. It should've been like this from the very beginning. I should've never made any mistakes. I knew what mistakes I was going to be making but I turned my head the other way.

I don't regret losing anything.

Lonely March

It's been 6 months and I have nothing to add here. Nothing but a few lines. It's been quite a long time. Nothing really has changed and that's not too good. Life is going, steady but that steady pace has become a routine. I hate this routine.

Let's see what happens in the near future. I wonder if one day life will change.

Back to the electronic side of music tonight; quite happy with walking amongst the night stars.

I think of myself as flying. Dying. I'm getting old :/