Untitled 2

Woke up today after 4hrs of sleep. I should take a small nap just in case. I have work later on anyway.

Earlier today on my way to this house I started thinking a lot. I kept thinking how come I can't get what I want when I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and the more I wait the more it seems highly unlikely I'll see things the way I wish they were. And yet there's another situation where I can see things going the way they are planned and everything falls into place. Everything seems perfect, and yet, mine never goes right. And I started to wonder and to realize that karma is a piece of shit.

Karma means nothing. I lived blindly thinking that if one changed life in such a positive way in all true honesty the bigger the (emotional) outcome. All this time, I kept thinking that if you fucked up and made mistakes on purpose karma would get to you, eventually.

Those are all childish thoughts. There's no such thing as karma. I've seen people get away with it and I hear about it almost every single day. And yet here I was being stupid thinking life was a little more fair.

I'm tired of everything when it comes to that topic. I really feel like giving up on that department and yet part of me can't let go. I really don't see why things never went the way I wanted them to. There's no reward for all the good deeds you do, there's no peace and beautiful things to come. For all I know, this is just a cycle that I'm seeing happening over and over.... and to be honest, I'm tired, I wanna say I'm done with such matter. I want to be able to say it.

Maybe one day things will turn my way, maybe one day such matters will be in the palm of my hand along with the decision to make. And if that ever happens, I want to be able to say I was here always but always ignored and never looked at.

When subject A takes a look into matter 1 and realizes the final outcome could've been a different one than the final outcome, I'll be there to say I once pushed for it and was never even given an opportunity. I understand now. Sometimes even when you voice your opinion, it still goes unheard. How pathetic.