April, 2012

I forgot about this blog. I ran out of things to complain in life, for the most part. I find no reason to rant, it's 5:05am anyway. Too early? too late? For now life is good. I'd rather be this way rather than feeling miserable and empty. Found new friends in old friends. I honestly don't know if that even makes sense anyway? It's been almost a year since I left home. It seems like time flew by in the blink of an eye. I have no idea what my future holds but for now I just wanna keep it like this. We'll see how life turns out.

Happy 2012, oh the joy

First day of 2012 and I feel drained. I feel hopeless. This great feeling of worthlessness is overtaking me and I can't seem to shake it off. The little signs of happiness were just another illusion. I give up. I really give up, and it's such a shame because it hurts to give up. It hurts to accept things sometimes aren't meant to be and one isn't meant to belong. Life is dull, so bleak, and such pain. It hurts to wake up, hurts to get up from bed. Everything seems like a hassle. I wanna sleep all day, all night. I wanna forget about my everyday life. I need more narcotics, I'm running out of ways to keep my head numb. I really am. I'm currently typing this super tired, don't have energy. I despise the fact material things don't fill the void in the soul. My heart is empty, and I'm just a simple miserable person trying to understand why things never went my way. This is why being under the influence seems to help. I forget about everyone, about my pain, about the suffering, the deception, the dreams. ALL is gone for a few minutes, a few hours. I hate sober life, I hate intoxication. I hate everything about life. Every single thing there is in life is sickening, and this post is bullshit, I don't know why I'm writing down my thoughts. Nobody will read my thoughts, nobody cares about a bunch of random words. Life is pain. I feel like giving up.

The last day of 2011...

It's currently 4:33am as I begin to type this. Shit I can't even concentrate on what to say. I'm just listening to some somewhat decent bm band I found out through the post-bm group on facebook. It's not pleasing but it's not lame either. I can't sleep, not like I slept all day. I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact depression has completely taken over me again. I can't sleep. I broke down already, fuck my life lol, sad. Why am I even writing this down. I wonder if anyone will ever read what I write. How sad it is that you have to vent in a place where no one will read your thoughts, it's like a silent scream. But that analogy doesn't go with how I feel, I'm not asking for help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just like being high, it's the only moment where all my sorrows go away. It's the time where I'm happy. Where I don't have to do anything but just enjoy the feeling of happiness. I think that's what it is. I can't sleep for shit. I hate life, I hate the people in it, most of them. Even most of the ones in my family. Probably not, I'm just tired of such pretentiousness. That's all. I'm tired of everything, tired of having to put up with society. I'm just tired, but not sleepy. Fuck my life man, what a good way to end a year and what a good way to start a new one. I have the belief it's going to be a bleak morning. I'm going to go lay down and sleep to forget my thoughts.

It seems sleeping and getting high lead to the road of happiness.

Welcome to our new generation, we are the future(?)

REVISITED

For quite some time I've had this subject or topic (whatever you might want to call it) in the back of my head. It's been far too long for me to just let it be inside my head. Over the last 6 months that I've worked at my job I started seeing a whole different world during closing shifts. It's a depressive, bleak mood with struggles and addictions. Not a world of mindless fun and joy. Reality hit me hard. As a person, one wishes to have a good life surrounded by family and friends; family is what matters right? I'd like to believe that's the root of happiness.

I remember growing up. The concept of a family wasn't there, but I had family. I still do. I have friends. I have a job. I can't complain. Life is good and I am not complaining.  I shouldn't take everything for granted. I'm slowly losing track of what I want to say. In the past weeks I have seen first-hand what our generation is really like. I get to witness what real America is like. A young generation full of homeless young adults. Life is barely starting and yet they're homeless already. Some around my age, some younger. This is America... this is home. Drugs and alcohol seem to be what cloud reality. Some resort to "selling plasma" in order to buy food for the day. 

I remember when I was a kid, I would see this old homeless guy walking around our city. You could count the number of homeless with one hand in our city.  Old men who gave in to their addictions, lost in their own hell. Those were the homeless people I knew. Now, 15yrs later, homeless people everywhere and the stereotype has changed. They no longer are old men with addictions and lost minds. It is those old friends from high school who made a bad decision. Young kids who just happened to be at the wrong place and wrong time. When I see these people I feel bad because I don't think they should be in such situation.

I keep writing this hoping for something good. It's depressing to know about their current situation. Such a depressing thing to think about. But that is what I see every day. That is America. That's all for now, I had to get this off my chest. I'm going back to sleep. I'm glad I have a roof over my head.

Words of the day :)

Revenge tastes sweet when your heart is shrouded in hatred.

NIRVANA and simplicity.

All you must do is open up your mind and let simplicity with happiness.
Feel the joy, the smiles, the warmth of your loved ones.
Not a better feeling in the world to feel happy forever.
Only then will you find nirvana... That is how I found happiness...
In the most random times :p

Saturday 2am

It's late, and my mind feels relaxed. Sounds become so amplified.
The waves, so clear. I'm not trying to sound weird, but everything feels so RIGHT just about now. I finally understand. I feel as if I'm typing as an anime character for a minute there. From a top floor high in some building... with nothing but the moon through the wall-windows.
Everything happens so fast... all the thoughts are gone in a second but time still doesn't manage to catch up

What a mindfuck!