Happy 2012, oh the joy

First day of 2012 and I feel drained. I feel hopeless. This great feeling of worthlessness is overtaking me and I can't seem to shake it off. The little signs of happiness were just another illusion. I give up. I really give up, and it's such a shame because it hurts to give up. It hurts to accept things sometimes aren't meant to be and one isn't meant to belong. Life is dull, so bleak, and such pain. It hurts to wake up, hurts to get up from bed. Everything seems like a hassle. I wanna sleep all day, all night. I wanna forget about my everyday life. I need more narcotics, I'm running out of ways to keep my head numb. I really am. I'm currently typing this super tired, don't have energy. I despise the fact material things don't fill the void in the soul. My heart is empty, and I'm just a simple miserable person trying to understand why things never went my way. This is why being under the influence seems to help. I forget about everyone, about my pain, about the suffering, the deception, the dreams. ALL is gone for a few minutes, a few hours. I hate sober life, I hate intoxication. I hate everything about life. Every single thing there is in life is sickening, and this post is bullshit, I don't know why I'm writing down my thoughts. Nobody will read my thoughts, nobody cares about a bunch of random words. Life is pain. I feel like giving up.

The last day of 2011...

It's currently 4:33am as I begin to type this. Shit I can't even concentrate on what to say. I'm just listening to some somewhat decent bm band I found out through the post-bm group on facebook. It's not pleasing but it's not lame either. I can't sleep, not like I slept all day. I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact depression has completely taken over me again. I can't sleep. I broke down already, fuck my life lol, sad. Why am I even writing this down. I wonder if anyone will ever read what I write. How sad it is that you have to vent in a place where no one will read your thoughts, it's like a silent scream. But that analogy doesn't go with how I feel, I'm not asking for help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just like being high, it's the only moment where all my sorrows go away. It's the time where I'm happy. Where I don't have to do anything but just enjoy the feeling of happiness. I think that's what it is. I can't sleep for shit. I hate life, I hate the people in it, most of them. Even most of the ones in my family. Probably not, I'm just tired of such pretentiousness. That's all. I'm tired of everything, tired of having to put up with society. I'm just tired, but not sleepy. Fuck my life man, what a good way to end a year and what a good way to start a new one. I have the belief it's going to be a bleak morning. I'm going to go lay down and sleep to forget my thoughts.

It seems sleeping and getting high lead to the road of happiness.

Welcome to our new generation, we are the future(?)

REVISITED

For quite some time I've had this subject or topic (whatever you might want to call it) in the back of my head. It's been far too long for me to just let it be inside my head. Over the last 6 months that I've worked at my job I started seeing a whole different world during closing shifts. It's a depressive, bleak mood with struggles and addictions. Not a world of mindless fun and joy. Reality hit me hard. As a person, one wishes to have a good life surrounded by family and friends; family is what matters right? I'd like to believe that's the root of happiness.

I remember growing up. The concept of a family wasn't there, but I had family. I still do. I have friends. I have a job. I can't complain. Life is good and I am not complaining.  I shouldn't take everything for granted. I'm slowly losing track of what I want to say. In the past weeks I have seen first-hand what our generation is really like. I get to witness what real America is like. A young generation full of homeless young adults. Life is barely starting and yet they're homeless already. Some around my age, some younger. This is America... this is home. Drugs and alcohol seem to be what cloud reality. Some resort to "selling plasma" in order to buy food for the day. 

I remember when I was a kid, I would see this old homeless guy walking around our city. You could count the number of homeless with one hand in our city.  Old men who gave in to their addictions, lost in their own hell. Those were the homeless people I knew. Now, 15yrs later, homeless people everywhere and the stereotype has changed. They no longer are old men with addictions and lost minds. It is those old friends from high school who made a bad decision. Young kids who just happened to be at the wrong place and wrong time. When I see these people I feel bad because I don't think they should be in such situation.

I keep writing this hoping for something good. It's depressing to know about their current situation. Such a depressing thing to think about. But that is what I see every day. That is America. That's all for now, I had to get this off my chest. I'm going back to sleep. I'm glad I have a roof over my head.

Words of the day :)

Revenge tastes sweet when your heart is shrouded in hatred.

NIRVANA and simplicity.

All you must do is open up your mind and let simplicity with happiness.
Feel the joy, the smiles, the warmth of your loved ones.
Not a better feeling in the world to feel happy forever.
Only then will you find nirvana... That is how I found happiness...
In the most random times :p

Saturday 2am

It's late, and my mind feels relaxed. Sounds become so amplified.
The waves, so clear. I'm not trying to sound weird, but everything feels so RIGHT just about now. I finally understand. I feel as if I'm typing as an anime character for a minute there. From a top floor high in some building... with nothing but the moon through the wall-windows.
Everything happens so fast... all the thoughts are gone in a second but time still doesn't manage to catch up

What a mindfuck!

Life, nirvana, negativity.

Last night I was up doing some reading, mostly nonsense here and there, wasting my time on random articles while I was listening to Pandora. Suddenly this song started playing, and it had an effect on me. It was a nice touching song. If there was a song that had feelings it has to be this one. So I started wondering and questioning why are we born. What is the true purpose in life? I found a few articles about it and the different points of view on each person according to their age. It was a wide range of views that made me go from nostalgic to quite sad, to happy to just wondering how my views would be in 20yrs if I'm still alive.

So the main question is why are we born? to be slaves? were we created to serve? or is there anything else? do we really keep being reborn until we find quintessence? is there such thing as nirvana? are we more than just a lower species? what else is there? It'd be such a sad thing to find out we just die and nothing else happens. Is there a soul? chakra? what happens next..... just what happens next.

Escape the Day

Currently it's about to be 6am. I'm sitting next to the window on the 2nd floor in my cousin's apartment. What am I doing here? relaxing for the weekend, and apparently insomnia struck me at 2am. I fell asleep for a while, woke up at 2 to the sounds of my aunt watching a video on YouTube. Could not go back to sleep after that.

Enough with the chit chat. Let's get into the rant, shall we? The weather is good finally, great windy afternoons. All these cold nights after work somehow calm me down. It's night of the early october. Or I should say morning but the sky is still dark. Things are good. Life is good. It can always be better.. it's always better, it was better a month ago (emotionally speaking). It shall be better soon, hopefully. Have in mind this is emotionally speaking. Life is great as it is when it comes to choices, job, being on my own. I could not complain about that.

Until then, this has been my small rant for this night/morning.

Another night, another thought.

I cannot say that I do not love life. I, for once, have control in everything I do. Every single decision I take, every single action I make. I am an adult now. It was a rough awakening in the beginning. It still is sometimes but for the most part, I have things under control. I wanna believe I do. Every single thing is perfect. In reality nothing is perfect, but to me it fits the point where I could care less about perfection. I'm just content with how things are. Things could always be A LOT better. But I'm not complaining for once. I really am not. I am ok with how things are going.
This blog seems all positive. But who said it was all suppose to be about negativity?

I'm just ok with life at the moment. For how long? for as long as I can make things last. For as long as I give it my 100%. And I can't wait for the day to be surrounded by such warmth and joy like I did before. To be able to fall asleep with a smile on my face. To wake up with another smile.

Fall is finally here, summer is long gone for good.. at least for another 3 seasons. I have finally seen the foggy nights while coming home from work. Listening to Portishead now seems even more fitting and it makes sense. And soon, just soon...

I never wanted time to fly by but now I do, for now I do.

Just a thought.

I haven't really had the chance to sit down and write down my thoughts. Not for a while anyway. My time is usually being spent most of the time at work. The days of playing video games most of the time are gone. I no longer have the pleasure of seeing the sunset for most of the week, seeing as I go in at work at 6 for most of the time. It's been a change of pace, a different world, but for the most part it's helped me mature a little. My biggest complaint would be that I don't seem to enjoy music as much as I used to before. Why do I no longer buy records on the mail anymore? Why has the passion for buying vinyl and cassettes disappeared? Am I losing that passion? Am I just old and boring now? Why do I even bother writing this?

It's way too late to be writing this anyway. I'm sure nobody is going to stumble on this blog. Not that I care about that to begin with. But now I'm just wondering about who will read it. Oh well that's what insomnia does to someone at night. No sleep unconsciously made me think foolish things.

I wonder what I wanna do later on after work, probably nothing but the gym. I must get my old shape back, and why is that? because there's some deadly elbows out there that I must face sometime in the near future... And I will win. I wanna believe I will.

But for now, this is all. It's time for me to get some sleep.

Words of wisdom.... Yes?

To be "pretentious," grandiose, to remain faithful to an impossible goal, to stay in contact with one's own desire and follow through with its consequences, unsure of what they will be ... to be real. That's what it is to live, I think.

Sick!

It hasn't been 6 months and here I am, once again, sick!
I hate it.
I got nothing new to say, other than the weekend went fairly well.
Bike riding at night is the best.

1:20am tea and solitude.

I've been neglecting blogger. I forgot about my account on here and that's not good.
Tumblr doesn't really appeal to me. It's just not what I need in order to blog about whatever it is I need/want to rant about.

It rained this past weekend really hard. It was rather lovely.
We had a 6hr power outage. It was actually good because that gave me the chance to appreciate the rain for what it is... beauty.
I wish life was far more interesting in my end but it really isn't so this update sucks to be honest.

All I can do is share the rain falling down... but even that sucks cuz I couldn't capture the rain...

Well this is it for now...

1am Euphoria and warm coffee.

Windy night, oh how cold you are.
Alone with my thoughts.
Music that brightens the day... or night either way.
Youth pictures in C major
Oh the joy :)
and the sadness :/
but it's all connected in the end!
Running down to the nearest soda stand
Grabbed a coke to get a piece of happiness.
And played Hypomanie to make the taste of coke double up its happiness
The closing eyes along the midnight smile vanished by the 12:38 am tears.
A coke failed to deliver its promise.

Morning wind and unsweetened coffee.

Sleep is just not here... oh such joy
Sleeping patterns are all fucked but that's ok, I have shoegaze for lonely nights.
If only the wind was a lot colder.
It'd be lovely for once.
Where is the cloud architect?
The sun shines a bit too much and the heat is unbearable.
My mind is too tired to think things straight at the moment.
I must sleep now... until next time!

May... oh May.

You know that feeling that you get when Hypothermia plays?
Do you?
I do....

After 6 years, you turned out to be shallow... and I'm disappointed.

And down comes April

I figured "Later" came first.

But the irony is my mind is too blank and I lost my train of thought.
So april has come, and along with it a blank state of mind. If only that applied to school essays as well....

March

I forgot I had this blogspot... It seems I haven't written anything down or bothered to note down my thoughts for the past months.
I sort of gave that up, don't know why but it seems like a wasted mind and space on this blog.

I would rant and go on about my life on here but that's pointless.

There isn't much to say, and yet, there's a million thoughts but all seem to point towards a special subject which makes me ache (mind you this isn't heartbreak or anything related to it).

I just wonder why... and I started to hope praying helps. But that's all for now.

I'll update LATER or NEVER. Whichever comes first.

Update.

Wow well I've lagged it on updating this blog.

So here are the news with my life... this won't take long.

I quit the gym about 2 months ago. Balley was a total rip-off and I was unhappy with it. It just wasn't really what I wanted. A month later after I quit I injured my knee and didn't give it proper time to heal. That left me to rest for a whole month. Today it's been a month and a week since I stopped running and I miss it.
I have completely forgotten that feeling one gets when running, that happiness. I just don't have it in me.

I started to fight about 2wks ago. It seems like something I am good at since I've won most of them, and only lost one. In my defense, I lost that fight cuz I was tired from 2 previous fights minutes earlier.

Anyway, lately life hasn't been how I pictured it 2 or 3 months ago.. I was hoping things would be different and better for me. I really wanted things to change and I still do, but life, well more like I seem to push things far away from me and it just blows. I don't try to because that's the last thing I want to do. I don't know what's wrong. Maybe I am scared and unconsciously I end up pushing things away. I hope and pray I am given one last chance to show things aren't supposed to end in a bad or just sour way. Sometimes I wonder too many things and this rant has completely moved from its original path.

A random June writing... for a lonely night. Maybe it's the post-rock, maybe it's the loneliness. I sure could use a bit of time to think things through but I wish a certain's person's time would also help me figure out so many, many things... I don't like life sometimes, and yet I am glad to be me... eh well.

This is all for June... or so it seems.

Random afternoon rant

I bothered to write down some thoughts earlier today while I was sitting on my backyard and here they are:

I couldn't run today. My injured leg keeps me from running. I'm hoping that it'll be ok by next weekend.
I miss running. I feel ok at this very moment. I cleaned the damn backyard, there were too many leaves, and the rain didn't help at all. But I'm not complaining about the rain, I sure missed it. I feel at peace today, just like when I run.
Whenever I run, I forget about everything, not a care in the world, nothing but me and running. Me wanting to get to the end of the orange line. Some times I've found myself listening to the band DREAMS and while that happens, the only thing that goes through my head is that my dream at that very moment is to run, to prove to myself that I'm alive.

Running is my therapy as I've mentioned before. Whenever I run I can honestly say I understand what "happiness" is.