The last day of 2011...

It's currently 4:33am as I begin to type this. Shit I can't even concentrate on what to say. I'm just listening to some somewhat decent bm band I found out through the post-bm group on facebook. It's not pleasing but it's not lame either. I can't sleep, not like I slept all day. I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact depression has completely taken over me again. I can't sleep. I broke down already, fuck my life lol, sad. Why am I even writing this down. I wonder if anyone will ever read what I write. How sad it is that you have to vent in a place where no one will read your thoughts, it's like a silent scream. But that analogy doesn't go with how I feel, I'm not asking for help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just like being high, it's the only moment where all my sorrows go away. It's the time where I'm happy. Where I don't have to do anything but just enjoy the feeling of happiness. I think that's what it is. I can't sleep for shit. I hate life, I hate the people in it, most of them. Even most of the ones in my family. Probably not, I'm just tired of such pretentiousness. That's all. I'm tired of everything, tired of having to put up with society. I'm just tired, but not sleepy. Fuck my life man, what a good way to end a year and what a good way to start a new one. I have the belief it's going to be a bleak morning. I'm going to go lay down and sleep to forget my thoughts.

It seems sleeping and getting high lead to the road of happiness.

Saturday 2am

It's late, and my mind feels relaxed. Sounds become so amplified.
The waves, so clear. I'm not trying to sound weird, but everything feels so RIGHT just about now. I finally understand. I feel as if I'm typing as an anime character for a minute there. From a top floor high in some building... with nothing but the moon through the wall-windows.
Everything happens so fast... all the thoughts are gone in a second but time still doesn't manage to catch up

What a mindfuck!

Life, nirvana, negativity.

Last night I was up doing some reading, mostly nonsense here and there, wasting my time on random articles while I was listening to Pandora. Suddenly this song started playing, and it had an effect on me. It was a nice touching song. If there was a song that had feelings it has to be this one. So I started wondering and questioning why are we born. What is the true purpose in life? I found a few articles about it and the different points of view on each person according to their age. It was a wide range of views that made me go from nostalgic to quite sad, to happy to just wondering how my views would be in 20yrs if I'm still alive.

So the main question is why are we born? to be slaves? were we created to serve? or is there anything else? do we really keep being reborn until we find quintessence? is there such thing as nirvana? are we more than just a lower species? what else is there? It'd be such a sad thing to find out we just die and nothing else happens. Is there a soul? chakra? what happens next..... just what happens next.

1am Euphoria and warm coffee.

Windy night, oh how cold you are.
Alone with my thoughts.
Music that brightens the day... or night either way.
Youth pictures in C major
Oh the joy :)
and the sadness :/
but it's all connected in the end!
Running down to the nearest soda stand
Grabbed a coke to get a piece of happiness.
And played Hypomanie to make the taste of coke double up its happiness
The closing eyes along the midnight smile vanished by the 12:38 am tears.
A coke failed to deliver its promise.

Morning wind and unsweetened coffee.

Sleep is just not here... oh such joy
Sleeping patterns are all fucked but that's ok, I have shoegaze for lonely nights.
If only the wind was a lot colder.
It'd be lovely for once.
Where is the cloud architect?
The sun shines a bit too much and the heat is unbearable.
My mind is too tired to think things straight at the moment.
I must sleep now... until next time!

And down comes April

I figured "Later" came first.

But the irony is my mind is too blank and I lost my train of thought.
So april has come, and along with it a blank state of mind. If only that applied to school essays as well....

3am coffee and happiness.

*(The picture to the right was taken on my walk the last Friday but I didn't feel like posting it. Not yet anyway).

I'm starting to think I write for the sake of it. Just to keep my thoughts alive, don't really have another reason. I doubt anyone but Creo and the other "follower" Roihu read this. Some just glance through it for a second or two, just like I've done before in the past on other sites. I read, I feel, and it's not enough to keep my head in peace. I'm tired of wondering and wandering for so long. 

I'm not even sure if what I write is more than worthless lines that mean nothing but a waste of time to people that bother to come look at this blog.

I write, I dislike, I delete and then start over again.

I keep trying to make a good post, to make something worthy of your time.

In hope that you'll understand I do too have something to share.

Not just a dumb rant about a lonely day... even if that was all that I had.

I read a few lines from other blog earlier tonight and then I wondered why do some people neglect what they have and yet believe they have nothing... that made me realize I have done so too in the past and still keep doing it to some extent.

I felt like a hypocrite and with no right to judge.

I apologize.

The few lines I've managed to write so far seem like a rant rather than a good use of space.

I didn't even try to make it look that way because I'm not mad or sad.

I'm ok with myself at the moment... listening to Hypomanie and waiting for an email about a picture I worked on Photoshop today.

But that's just another story for some other day.