August Thoughts.

5am, here I am, updating this blog. Lots of emotions and feelings. I think regret is the biggest of them all. Some say "no regrets!" but I bet to differ, I made many of my own. I wish I had done better, been better but at the same time I cannot keep living in regret and I must keep on with the journey. What a sense of peacefulness this is. I am on another level of peacefulness for a while. I understand that I should forgive myself first. And that in life, family comes first. I am not as average as life makes it seem, I need advice to go on in the path of life. I'm lost for a minute.

Ahora te entiendo madre

Friday is for Resting

My break is gone, almost. Time to work on Saturday once again. Here's a small update.
Earlier today I was watching a YouTube commentary. The similarities in life which he's currently going through were similar to mine, to a certain point. I won't say he and I are going through the same but some things clicked. And it kinda made me think about my own life. Karma was mentioned and it just let me know karma in general is a deceiving lie. I mean sure you do good, your life goes ok. You don't do bad at all but it's not like you're doing amazing (emotionally speaking). At least that's how I see it for my own interests in life.

I feel like I'm stuck, and it makes me wanna think about my own future. I have friends, some will always be my "hommies" for life. I can think of one only at the moment. There's some other friendships I value with my life but as much as it hurts I think sometimes you kind of have to let go of some of those friendships even if it's hard.

Last night was an end to a stage in life. Yes, I had my fun, and it was awesome while it lasted but all things (good or bad) come to an end. And just like on the day it started, it ended the same way. Seeing my friend and his gf going home, while I left and went home. That was the same way it all started. Time to move on and find new things in life, some old forgotten things, and some others, let's hope they're good things in general.

Change is always happening. Always. It's how you react to it that defines your essence.

I choose to put my foot down and move on with changes.

Untitled 2

Woke up today after 4hrs of sleep. I should take a small nap just in case. I have work later on anyway.

Earlier today on my way to this house I started thinking a lot. I kept thinking how come I can't get what I want when I've been waiting and waiting and waiting and the more I wait the more it seems highly unlikely I'll see things the way I wish they were. And yet there's another situation where I can see things going the way they are planned and everything falls into place. Everything seems perfect, and yet, mine never goes right. And I started to wonder and to realize that karma is a piece of shit.

Karma means nothing. I lived blindly thinking that if one changed life in such a positive way in all true honesty the bigger the (emotional) outcome. All this time, I kept thinking that if you fucked up and made mistakes on purpose karma would get to you, eventually.

Those are all childish thoughts. There's no such thing as karma. I've seen people get away with it and I hear about it almost every single day. And yet here I was being stupid thinking life was a little more fair.

I'm tired of everything when it comes to that topic. I really feel like giving up on that department and yet part of me can't let go. I really don't see why things never went the way I wanted them to. There's no reward for all the good deeds you do, there's no peace and beautiful things to come. For all I know, this is just a cycle that I'm seeing happening over and over.... and to be honest, I'm tired, I wanna say I'm done with such matter. I want to be able to say it.

Maybe one day things will turn my way, maybe one day such matters will be in the palm of my hand along with the decision to make. And if that ever happens, I want to be able to say I was here always but always ignored and never looked at.

When subject A takes a look into matter 1 and realizes the final outcome could've been a different one than the final outcome, I'll be there to say I once pushed for it and was never even given an opportunity. I understand now. Sometimes even when you voice your opinion, it still goes unheard. How pathetic.

Untitled.

Sometimes I feel like I should embrace the average typical human being that I am and just be jealous and full of envy. But that's not who I wanna be. I don't wanna be that. Earlier today I was that! And not rightfully so. But it got the best of me. And I hate the fact that it did. Sometimes I wish I never met people I met so far. I wish I didn't, so I didn't have to go through this. And I know I'm writing an angry rant. I know later on I won't be feeling this way. But right now I can't help it. I wish I could write everything on here. Earlier tonight I told this friend about everything, but, wow, it still doesn't feel like it helped me calm down. I should learn to accept and move on in life. You can't win all the time. I lost and I still refuse to admit it, but deep within, I know I did. I don't wanna be a sore loser. I'm tired, at work, trying not to think of the inevitable. I'm trying to wish things were like they were a couple of months ago. Why can't they be that way. I know I fuck things up, but I didn't fuck up anything this time. I really dislike the thought of "karma" as far as I'm concerned. What is karma anyway... Nothing but an idea, an illusion, a mere vague thought. I tried my best to be the best I could. I did.

April, 2012

I forgot about this blog. I ran out of things to complain in life, for the most part. I find no reason to rant, it's 5:05am anyway. Too early? too late? For now life is good. I'd rather be this way rather than feeling miserable and empty. Found new friends in old friends. I honestly don't know if that even makes sense anyway? It's been almost a year since I left home. It seems like time flew by in the blink of an eye. I have no idea what my future holds but for now I just wanna keep it like this. We'll see how life turns out.

Happy 2012, oh the joy

First day of 2012 and I feel drained. I feel hopeless. This great feeling of worthlessness is overtaking me and I can't seem to shake it off. The little signs of happiness were just another illusion. I give up. I really give up, and it's such a shame because it hurts to give up. It hurts to accept things sometimes aren't meant to be and one isn't meant to belong. Life is dull, so bleak, and such pain. It hurts to wake up, hurts to get up from bed. Everything seems like a hassle. I wanna sleep all day, all night. I wanna forget about my everyday life. I need more narcotics, I'm running out of ways to keep my head numb. I really am. I'm currently typing this super tired, don't have energy. I despise the fact material things don't fill the void in the soul. My heart is empty, and I'm just a simple miserable person trying to understand why things never went my way. This is why being under the influence seems to help. I forget about everyone, about my pain, about the suffering, the deception, the dreams. ALL is gone for a few minutes, a few hours. I hate sober life, I hate intoxication. I hate everything about life. Every single thing there is in life is sickening, and this post is bullshit, I don't know why I'm writing down my thoughts. Nobody will read my thoughts, nobody cares about a bunch of random words. Life is pain. I feel like giving up.

The last day of 2011...

It's currently 4:33am as I begin to type this. Shit I can't even concentrate on what to say. I'm just listening to some somewhat decent bm band I found out through the post-bm group on facebook. It's not pleasing but it's not lame either. I can't sleep, not like I slept all day. I guess I'm slowly accepting the fact depression has completely taken over me again. I can't sleep. I broke down already, fuck my life lol, sad. Why am I even writing this down. I wonder if anyone will ever read what I write. How sad it is that you have to vent in a place where no one will read your thoughts, it's like a silent scream. But that analogy doesn't go with how I feel, I'm not asking for help. I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I just like being high, it's the only moment where all my sorrows go away. It's the time where I'm happy. Where I don't have to do anything but just enjoy the feeling of happiness. I think that's what it is. I can't sleep for shit. I hate life, I hate the people in it, most of them. Even most of the ones in my family. Probably not, I'm just tired of such pretentiousness. That's all. I'm tired of everything, tired of having to put up with society. I'm just tired, but not sleepy. Fuck my life man, what a good way to end a year and what a good way to start a new one. I have the belief it's going to be a bleak morning. I'm going to go lay down and sleep to forget my thoughts.

It seems sleeping and getting high lead to the road of happiness.